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Hello Suckers,

I'm Hazel Pearl. Born 7lbs 6oz and 19" long. I have an extra cute face because I avoided my mom's birth canal. Turns out the best way to have a speedy delivery is to try to get out butt first. SUCKERS.*

By the way, nice "world" people. Boobs are nice, I guess. The rest I could give or take.

Anyhow, enjoy my web site and vote Obama. Hillary hates babies and McCain is storing WMDs in his cheek. Believe it.


Hazel Pearl Patterson

* How it all went down, in case you were curious:

Mom went into labor on the 11th at 4 AM and was having contractions for 2 hours at 5 minutes apart before she woke up Dad. Neither party believed she was in real labor. Idiots.

Dad called the doctor and they made an appointment for 10:30AM to have Mom's cervix checked. (Sorry for the graphic image, but that's what they do. Deal with it.)

At that point mom was at 1 cm dilation. The doctor did an ultrasound and realized I was breech. Turns out the lump under Mom's ribs that she thought felt remarkably like a head WAS my head. This explains the 24 hour a day acid reflux and the fact that Mom never had to pee all that much. (Again, deal with it.)

Mom and Dad were sent over to Labor and Delivery with a decision to make. To flip or not to flip. Turns out they have this wacky procedure where they pump Mom up with muscle relaxers and try to manually push the baby around. This works about 50% of the time and is "more painful than labor". By this time Mom was at 3 cm. (just one hour after the first check) and the contractions were 3 minutes apart but she was still remarkably comfortable. She was still laughing and entertaining the doctors. Show off. One of the doctors said he had never heard of anybody trying to flip a baby with a mom in active labor...but they decided to go for it.....questionable decision.

To minimize the pain the doctors gave Mom the "opposite of a walking epidural" mixed with morphine and nitro glycerine and went at it. I was not pleased...neither was Mom. After a few minutes of pushing, they moved me about 4 degrees and it totally sucked...so I decided to slow my heart rate WAY DOWN! This stopped them in their tracks. Before you could say "bad idea" we were all rushing down the hall like mad to get me out.

By the time we got to the O.R., I had resumed my normal heart rate and we all got to relax. I swear there were a hundred people in there. Everybody was laughing and running around. It was a lot like the muppet show. Fifteen minutes later I was born, butt first and screaming. I had my feet up by my ears. This allowed me to not only head butt my mom in the ribs, but also kick her in the ribs at the same time. Good times. I'll miss that.

Anyhow, that's how it all went down. It was crazy, but everybody said I'd come out with a story. I guess they were right.

Smell you later!